The Party

Saturday night and all the girls are gathering for a party. Some of them I don’t like and some of them I actually hate. It’s a joint party for my friend and some anti-social hermit who didn’t even turn up! She didn’t turn up to her own party, strange being. Anyway there is a theme… hot pink. So I turn up in some pink jeans (stretchy of course, I haven’t worn actual jeans for about ten years now, it’s hard to find a good pair. I’m a chubby hobbit- so unless rocking up with a camel toe and overhang is now stylish, in leggings I shall stay. Is finding the perfect pair of jeans just as hard as finding the perfect man?) Anyway, I notice that these particular trousers have only highlighted my cellulite further and I look hideous… so I head home to get changed straight away… my trusty leggings. My precious.

Let the drinking commence.

One shot, two shot, three shot, floor and all that.

After drinks at my friends house three taxis full of humiliating examples of today’s youth, head into town to spoil the scenery. I’m pretty sure the drink consumption once we got into town was minimal... of course being resourceful woman of the world we had smuggled the parties leftover bottles into bags, cleavages, knickers, anywhere! I was frowned upon several times for ordering ‘an empty glass’ at the bar. So sly. Not.

Less than five minutes later a bunch of overweight women attempted some pole dancing, some flirting and failed. One particular treat of a woman, I won’t name as I don’t want to offend, has a terrible problem with body odour. So many men would run for the hills screaming, assuming it was me, ah what can you do, she’s a nice girl.

There was an incident. My friend was punched. I have no idea why but my town is that kind of town, you learn to expect such dramas. After the punching another member of my beautiful clan, flew off to find the woman, attack her and save the day… did I mention she’s a superhero? Or at least she thinks she is. I follow her as most friends would and that’s when the highlight of the night occurred. I fall off my wedged shoe (standard night out) and land in a stinking puddle of liquid mud. My electric blue shoes, now brown. My precious leggings, now brown. The sleeves of my pink blazer, now brown. (I’m aware the blue shoes and pink blazer makes me sound like an 80’s throwback but it worked. I swear!) Of course I blamed it all on the one who thinks she’s WonderWoman and shout at her until I’ve received an apology. Of course I don’t tell her it was me, being pissed and falling off my shoe, as per usual. No she shall suffer as I am now in cold, wet, brown leggings. After the clean up crew arrived (my friend and her boyfriend with toilet tissue) I was back on my feet and back on top form.

So it’s now later in the night and after meeting another friend, and his friends (one of whom liked me, said I was awesome and I told him I owned lots of properties, being all honest as usual) we head to another bar. In this bar I order a Pina Colada (because I’m such a rich property developer person) and they put squirty cream on top? I’m no alcohol snob (I actually am) but I asked for a Pina Colada, not a Pineapple Sundae?! Anyway I scooped the cream up and rubbed it in the face of the guy who liked me. He still liked me. I can’t remember what he looks like; I like to think he looked like Jeremy Sheffield (Google him)

I see a man across the bar. He is gorgeous and he waves at me. I look behind me to the left and behind me to the right; he’s definitely waved at me. It turns out it’s a man who was a few years above me at school (and far too attractive for me) I shall call him Mr Cute. Of course I sent him a message on Facebook whilst drunk and deleted it before I could see the damage. But it doesn’t matter, I got a reply. Then another reply. Then a text. Even my own mother questioned his motives… she made me feel like a right Goddess… or not. She even had the cheek to ask if I had a reputation and if he was after ‘one thing’

Do I?

Is he?

Why is he single?

Are you allowed a fling with a man just because he is so damn good looking?

These questions will be answered if it’s the last thing I do.