The Northerner

So being back on the dating site I’m chatting to a bunch of random lads. I notice a hot body- and I mean hot! Absolutely ripped like that things Victorians did their washing on! So yeah, I knew then I wanted to wash my clothes. Obviously I was expecting a small penis; it’s not fair to have it all.

 I picked him up so he didn’t have to see me walking towards him at any point (most embarrassing thing ever, when they have time to look you up and down and notice you can’t walk in my shoes and the top bit of my legs stick together when I walk!) Anyway so, he hopped in my car and we seemed to click alright to begin with. Conversation was good. We went to a local bar and 4 wines and 2 shots later I wanted to do my washing on his stomach. We went back to his place and it was the cleanest place I had ever seen. After some kisses we retired to the bedroom. He mentioned that he had a pet lizard which was true, what he didn’t mention was the pet iguana he kept in his pants. The bloke was very well endowed. I was frightened. He had a body like steel with a weapon hanging off it and I was about to get murdered. In fairness to him he was quite gentle and it only hurt loads!

Anyway I left to go home, woke up this morning with his ID stuck in my bra and drowning in shame. I feel like my vagina has done ten rounds with Balboa and I’m shattered.

But we are texting.

I probably won’t have another go.

I have too much to experience and too much to write about.

Who knew that my memoirs would be the new ‘diary of a call girl’ – but without the cash!