The Nazi
I was casually making a stir fry browsing on a popular dating site when Heston wrote to me. He asked me if I wanted to meet, as he was in my home town and lived around the corner. Quicker than usual, I agreed. He wasn’t my normal type; he was bald, rough and from my home town. The stir fry was crap, my hair was already done and I fancied some free Rose wine. Within an hour I had approached the pub and was stood outside alone, waiting for my mysterious man. The taxi driver told me “it will be okay, don’t be nervous” what the hell did he know?
Dressed in electric blue platforms and a see-through shirt I was looking and feeling fantastic (especially after two glasses of ‘warm up’ wine) he however, waddled up to me like an extra from Lord of The Rings. He looked as though he had been shrunk in the washing machine and his face looked a little burnt? Not sunburnt, more like he was in an unfortunate accident… I now realised how air-brushed his picture was and at this moment decided never to date again.
I’m not rude so I accompanied him into the pub and let him buy me a wine… a large one. The thought of him touching me made my skin crawl and every time he went to place a hand on my back I made some excuse to move “Oh sorry, I need the loo”… “Oh sorry, I’m just going to get a straw” … you get it.
We sat opposite each other and out the way (where nobody could see me and the hobbit) I was feeling quite relaxed… the wine and the unattractive fella made me feel chilled. So the date conversation began…
Heston “Have you ever slept with a black man?”
What the hell? This person is not normal…
“Errr no, but why ask, especially as your first question?!”
“Well I’m a racist, most skin heads are. I can’t be with someone that’s been with a black man. My dad is dating a Muslim woman; I don’t speak to him anymore. I just don’t like them, we bought them over here gave them jobs and they walk around with knives and chains like they own the place…”
This man is a complete douche bag! He’s a racist pig, how can I get out of this date…
Racism continues…
Me “Will you please shut the hell up. I am not a racist. You are a strange man with no historical knowledge I am far too much of a geek for you, as for the black race… we bought them as our slaves, wouldn’t you be pissed off?”
Silence…
Heston “I don’t like gays either!”
At this point I should have left but as I was feeling the effects of the wine more and more I decided to stay and listen to his history on the Vikings and other amazing date talk. I was quite outright laughing at this man, he is pathetic and he’s beginning to make moves. He’s trying to touch me and even suggesting I come to his after the ‘date’ … oh dear, I need to sort something out.
I text Gerard, another chap I’ve been texting from the dating site asking him to save me… he’s young and single and seems normal enough (even though his profile name was the ever seductive ‘Nofussjustmuff’…) he said he would come and meet me. I decided to go out with him after this date as I was all dressed up with nowhere to go…
I managed to get Heston the Racist Homophobe to go outside for a fag, I told him I was going and it was a pleasure meeting him etc. After asking me to show him my ‘tits’ and stay at his the night I managed to escape.
Five minutes later (whilst I was walking so fast and checking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn’t following me) I received a text…
“Wow you are my kind of woman!”
What does that say about me?